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aMuse

One poem every week. No other rules, no other plans, just words.

Month

November 2016

Puzzle

Where are we going?

Unsure

But the edges are done.

The goals are set. 

So now

We fill in the gaps. 

Each piece adds 

To the picture of us

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Silence

Everyday conversation
Masks truth
Laughter and vulnerability
Friendship and care
All the pieces fit
But no words are said
Nothing in stone
Marking the change
But in the silence
It lingers
Hearts whispering
Across the room
Aware of the “more”
That no one chooses to discuss
But the laughter continues
Things move on
Yet there it is
Unwavering in its honesty
Disregarding everything
Words uttered
Type of setting
Even other characters in the room
Through everything
It waits
For the right moment
When words spill freely
From unbound tongues
Until then it lurks
Lovingly
Knowingly
In the silence

Happy Birthday

Anger coursing through my veins
Pushing any happy thought away
They hate you
You don’t fit in
They’ll stare
You’re not good enough
You don’t belong here
Tearing at my heart
Ushering tears unbidden from my eyes
Shut up.
Just shut up
The whisper lingers
No one to hear it but me
Praying that I listen to myself
These are lies
All lies
You are loved
You are wanted
Today is good
But each sentence is rejected immediately
Pushed away by more lies
I can’t escape it
And so I sit at home
Alone
Thinking that I must add this
To the list of ruined occasions

Stakeout

Noses pressed to windows
Hearts pounding
Nervous laughter
Silently watching for movement
Gentle light reflecting off windows
“I see him” someone whispers
A number is dialed
“He’s jumping the fence”
Eyes peek over the ledges
Has he heard us?
Someone jumps to another window
“He’s over here!”
Angry rustling of leaves
Echoing in the silence of night
Cops arrive
Bright lights
Branches breaking underfoot
He runs
“Over the fence!”
Urgency bolded by the whisper of the yell
And he’s gone
Followed by men in blue

Me?

I’m scared that you’ll see me
But I want to be seen
I’m weighing the options
Calculating our mean

I cant do this alone
I need your support
But each time I try to share
My mind screams “abort!”

I’m dying for someone to know me
But im scared of what they’ll see
I’m so often acting
Being what people want me to be

I’ve done this so long
The reveal may bring pain
But I need to be honest
So just for now I’ll try not to be vain

I’m awkward and shy
Scared to be real
Maybe “me”‘s not enough
Who I once was I can’t fully reveal

Well I could but it hurts
It’s a blotch on my past
And the person I am
Has developed so fast

The things that I do
That I oft wish I didn’t
They help me be someone
That with people can fit in

And so I keep playing
Scared that someone will see
The real me is boring
And nothing like…me.

Future Fear

Back and forth
Itching to be heard
Unsure of the future
Waiting for your word

Should I stay here
Or do I wander away
My footing is uneven
Future unknowns run each day

Spin the bottle
Flip the can
Moving forward
Letting chance change the plan

Waiting for direction
Not sure how to hear
Feeling like drowning
Unknowns drive my fear

Open your eyes please
Help me be seen
Give me some sign
Take a chance on me

I know i’m not good at this
I hold it all too tight
Im an actress playing
But let me in this time I’ll try

Engaged

High hopes

And higher expectations

Pushing boundaries

Erasing limitations

Adding to the friendship

Making it something more

Keeping it all the same 

But intensified from before

Learning how to love

When things are sad or hard

Teaching to forgive 

So emotions won’t be scarred

Loving everyday

As if it’s really the last

But never ignoring the foundations of the past

It’s joyous and exciting 

But hard work all the same

All the love and pain and service

That go into changing your last name

Nursery Thoughts

Songs of winter

Echoing through the building

Christmas trees

Lining the walkways

The smell of pine

Wafting down the hallway

It’s not even Thanksgiving

But in the plant nursery

Christmas is here

What if?

Dreams of future promise
Bounce from neuron to neuron
Enthusiasm rings from every fiber of my being
Then, a new reign comes
Of doubt and “what if”s

I love the idea of —
Then I could —-
And I’d be able to —
I’ve always wanted to —
And I’d be able to do all that at once!
BUT.

Always a but.
Always something holding back
Hesitation in excitement

What if I don’t meet someone
What if I don’t get the job I want
What if no one hires me
What if I end up having to stay

Fear in everything
Stealing my hope with every new thought
What if
What if
What if

What if this time I stop second guessing?
What if?

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